“We just can’t communicate without it ending up in a fight. We argue over disciplining the children. We argue about money. The simplest, innocent questions turn into false accusations! A home is supposed to be a refuge, but ours is just constant chaos! I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. Why do we fight all the time? How can we stop?”
God poses this very question to us in the New Testament epistle of James: “Where do wars and fights come from among you?”(James 4:1, NKJV). Other translations put it this way, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?” (NASB) and “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? (ESV). If we can identify the root cause of our problem, then surely, we can resolve it and begin experiencing more peaceful relationships that should characterize Christians. “How good it is when brothers dwell together in unity” (Psalm 33:1).
Where our chaos does NOT come from
While all three translations above are essentially asking the same “root cause” question, the NKJV’s more literal rendering of the Greek is best, asking “Where” is this coming from? The typical response is that it is coming from someone or something outside of myself. It is my wife, my husband, my children, my bills, my job, etc.
Finger-pointing is not new. At man’s original conflict, the Garden of Eden, we see the first husband and wife blame-shifting. Eve blamed Satan. Adam blamed Eve. Even worse than that, Adam blamed God! He told God, “The woman whom YOU gave to be with me, SHE gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12). God pronounced curses on all three of them.
James would agree, in part, that people are to blame. Notice the personal pronoun he uses to describe our fights: “You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war.” (James 4:2). If there was a Texas version of the bible, the subject would be even clearer to us. Because James uses the plural form of “you” and Texans have a distinct plural form— “you all“ contracted to “y’all.” The Texas version would read, “Where do wars and fights come from among y’all?... Y’all lust and do not have. Y’all murder and covet and cannot obtain. Y’all fight and war.”
Though this doesn’t tell us what the source of our conflicts are, it does tells us who’s to blame. The problem isn’t with your spouse, child, neighbor, or boss alone. It is with all y’all (That’s advanced Texan-ese). That includes you.
Where our chaos does come from
God reveals that our chaos does not originate from outside of any of us; rather it comes from inside each of us. “Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (NKJV). “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (ESV). The word translated as “pleasures, passions, desires, or lusts” is the Greek word ἡδονῶν (pronounced, Hay-doe-nayn). It is the word from which we get “hedonism.” Did you know that you are a hedonist? It is ironic that what pleases us and makes us feel good is the source of all this chaos. It feels good to “let it all out” to “get it off my chest” or to “speak my mind.”
The Apostle Paul uses the term “the flesh,” pointing out that it is in opposition with the Spirit, “For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other (Galatians 5:17). He continues, “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these” (Galatians 5:19).
Notice he states that these are the “works” of the flesh; they are the outward demonstrations of the flesh. James uses similar language referring to “our members.” He preceded this teaching with a discourse about our proud hearts venting through that small yet powerful member of our body, “the tongue” (James 3).
Our tongues set things ablaze because of our proud hearts’ covetous demand to be gratified at any cost. We don’t get what we want, so we quarrel and we murder (James 4:2). Does that seem over the top? It shouldn’t. Jesus teaches that anger and murder are the same, differing only in degree (Matthew 5:22). Unrestrained anger becomes the act of murder. Quarreling and conflicts are a point along that continuum.
We don’t get what we want, so we get angry. Our anger lashes out with the tongue or worse. Perhaps we delay the attack; more like the sniper using stealth and patience, becoming silent, manipulative, playing the “long game” until the opportune moment. Either way, it is a sinful battle of coveting.
The next time you sense an argument brewing, stop and ask yourself, “What is it that I want so badly that I am willing to fight over?” Recognize that either verbally, physically, or emotionally you are jeopardizing this relationship. Better yet, ask yourself “What do I want so badly that I am willing to sin against God?”
Hope and relief in the gospel
Your life does not have to continue in this self-made chaos. Once you see that your quarrels and conflicts are really offenses against God, coming from your own covetous, hedonistic heart which is demanding gratification, then preach the saving and sanctifying gospel afresh to yourself: confess, repent, and look to Christ for forgiveness. Then be reconciled one to another.
James says it this way, “But [God] gives a greater grace. Therefore, it says, ‘God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. Do not speak against one another, brethren” (James 4:6-11).
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